Post by Chdonga on Oct 4, 2009 16:56:14 GMT -5
So I'm sitting here and I'm trying to figure out what's so goddamn special about anime. I'm still trying to figure that out. There's got to be a free dose of heroin in every DVD or something. Because you know, I can't walk out of the fucking door without someone talking about Inuyasha, and holy fuck Trigun is just the bee's knees. I'm taking a dump; I'm sitting on the toilet wiping my ass with pages from books made by atheists (because... wel... they're atheist) And someone's going to be standing there talking about how big of a boner they get over Tank Police and Neon Jell-O Evangelist or whatever the fuck. So I'm thinking “Wow gee hosifat, this anime stuff has got to be some nifty shit. There had better be some sliced bread out there that can't get work anymore over this shit. The last time people had this much fun they just discovered they could get drunk and beat their kids. So this shit had better be able to cure AIDS and kill nuns it's that fucking great. Old people had better be turning off the I Dream of Jennie reunion to watch this shit it's that fucking great.†So I sit down to watch anime. And it's not that hard because it's on every fucking channel. Six hundred and fifty trillion channels and their all playing anime twenty four hours a day. So I pick a channel and I sit down to watch it; and it's not like I haven't seen anime before you know, but every time I happen to mention that I don't personally like it, someone's head will pop out from under the nearest rock and say “But have you seen it lately? It's not like Sailor Moon anymore!†Because apparently the last five years has done for anime what silicon did for Alyssa Molino, you know. So I'm sitting in my chair and I turn on the anime and I've got my dick in my hand ready to jerk it to happy oblivion because apparently it's that fucking important. And hey, check this out, it's the same three-frame per second six-color crap it always was! You can watch this shit with Shockwave on a 486 and there wouldn't be any difference. And it's because we incinerated all of Japan's in-between artists at the end of World War 2 I know it. They can't make an hour long cartoon with more than a hundred frames in it because they've only got three mother fuckers left who can draw. And I can't jerk off to this, my dick would never respect me again. But suddenly, everyone's flooding in my room and they're like "Ohh you're watching Otagotcha Watamotigotchimona. This is the best show in all fucking existence.†And now they're jerking their dicks off, and all I can think is that they don't deserve their dicks. What the fuck is making everyone go so batshit over anime? And then it occurs to me, it's fucking El Nino. Yeah, that's what it is. Some guy gets caught raping a dead squirrel and someone's going to blame El Nino for it. This is all El Nino's fault because that's where the aliens live with their damn mind rays that are making everyone fucking retarded. Fuck South America! So I fire a bunch of nukes at South America so everyone's heads will suddenly be extracted from their asses again. And I do it anime style too, I narrate it as I'm doing it. So, I'm like "Ohh, did you know that I would send the most powerful force in the universe to destroy you today, but now you know because I'm the great warrior Anonymous, who's spirit was imprisoned by the god of penile dysfunction over a thousand years ago and have been waiting to be awakened this very day by the magical sound of the very last human putting his head up his ass, ohhh." Because that's a wonderful story you know, that's what makes anime so wonderful it's the story. It's the stories that make the anime so wonderful. The stories, that's what it is. You know, only their not stories! "Ohh telling a thousand years of history in thirty seconds in the middle of a movie," when you do that, that's not a fucking story. That's the fucking cincher OK? When you do that in the middle of a mental hospital they're give you a fucking lobotomy. So I launch the nukes at South America, and their like "Anonymous you bastard!" and I'm like, "Yeah fuck you, it had to be done." Which- but shit no I can't do that because it's got to be subtitled. I forgot it's got to be fucking subtitled. Because it's not "real anime" unless it's subtitled so we can hear the inflections in the voices. Yeah, forgot about that. Gotta hear the inflections in voices speaking a language we don't even fucking understand. Yeah, we can't live without that, can we? So I do it subtitled now right and they can't understand a fucking thing I'm saying but they can hear the inflection in my voice and that makes all the fuck of a difference. And except for one guy who goes "Hey if you want to read you should pick up a book." But it's OK, because he got the first nuke on his left nut the heathen round-eyed fuck. He probably used the word Japanimation anyway, which oh fuck you can't do that. You have to stop speaking whatever you speak and pronounce it in perfect Japanese. "It's on-e-may. Say on-e-may damn it. On-e-may!" Don't have to call German animation "zekendrickfilm", you don't have to call Russian animation "meltinicatsia", African animation isn't "iumbengosegoa," but you gotta say "anime" or they'll get pissed off until their man-tits start lactating. So, so the nukes melt the aliens in El Nino, and they scream "Oh what a world, what a world," right? And so now our brains can think again. Everything is cool right? We're cool? I consider the matter closed. Now can we PLEASE find something else to talk about?
